5th July 2011

On losing it:

Tonight was a quiet night and no one was around, so I drove to my favorite running spot a few towns away. I put on a playlist and took off into the woods for a 10 mile run. 

For a while, I was fine. I made small talk with a woman who was jogging about the likelihood of being attacked by a black bear (small, although there are bears in the area), I started to focus and I was headed for my zen happy place. Whatever anyone else finds in prayer or meditation, I find when I exercise. It’s my time to focus all of my attention on one thing so I don’t have to think about all of the other shit. Anyway.

As I came around a corner, I found myself running directly into a beautiful sunset. Rather than stop, I noted how pretty it was and pressed on.

And then something happened. I fucking lost it. Every memory from the last year - every goddamn one - was right there in front of me. From last May, when everything started to fall apart through last August when my dad died to a few days after - when I had to break up with someone I loved because they kept hurting me. Through autumn, dating someone who I later found out still had a boyfriend (this happened in the winter, too, and it was much worse then. Being used for sex is a weird feeling. But I digress.), trying to keep my family from falling apart, being unable to find a job, and feeling completely useless. Through all of it, I bit my lip and (with the exception of the occasional woe-is-me Tumblr post) told no one. I hadn’t cried in 2 years.

So I lost it. I sat there and cried. I don’t know how long I was there for - 5 minutes or 40 - neither would surprise me. When it was over, I didn’t feel any better. I don’t know if I felt much of anything. I finished the run, got in my car, and went home. I wish I could tie all this up in a neat little package by telling you how much better I feel now, but… I dunno. I just feel weird tonight and I’m looking forward to a drink.

11th June 2011

There is a beautiful girl sitting right next to me in an empty bar… and I have no desire to talk to her.

Did I accidentally grow up?! Am I broken?!?! Is this normal?!?!?!

8th May 2011

Wandering thoughts

I was a very serious child. My brothers were 17 (almost 18) and 12 (almost 13) when I was born; my sister was 16 (almost 17). I grew up fast and have acted like an adult (albeit a delightfully immature one) for my entire life.

I learned to read before I turned 3 and have spent the intervening 20 years with my nose buried in newspaper articles and editorials. I can remember being 3 years old and worrying about the long-term geopolitical implications of the (first) Gulf War. When I was 5, I sat with my dad while we read the paper and asked him to explain the stock market to me. When I was 7, I asked the surgeon so many technical questions about my impending tonsil removal that he eventually just put the gas mask on me mid-question and went to work, unable to tolerate further interrogation. A remark from my 6th grade teacher on my report card:

“I worry about Mike. His peers seem afraid of him because they do not understand him. I have never come across a child with such a need to understand the “big picture” at all times. His attention in class wanes, but he will occasionally ask complex, often philosophical questions that I cannot answer without confusing the other children.”

And on and on. My brain never stops, and it makes me very tired.

So here I am, less than 2 hours before my 23rd birthday and trying to make it through the night without smoking pot - quite literally the only substance (and I’ve tried a lot of them, trust me) that slows my brain to a manageable pace. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve taken a break from smoking, but it’s clear I’m not going to make it through the night without, because I’m crawling out of my fucking skull.

I think I’m worried about being classified as a stoner (because, well, I’m not), but pot is often my best option. I can’t take the emotional wear and tear of worrying about everyfuckingthing at all times and I can’t/won’t drink to relax. I come from a long, prodigious line of alcoholics who drank for the same reason and eventually lost control. I monitor everything that goes in my body. I rarely drink two nights in a row. I’ve had enough experience with booze at this point that I doubt that I would end up like my grandfathers, great uncles, cousins, or my dad - completely powerless to stop drinking or to deal with the logical consequences thereof - but I still won’t chance it.

I’ll be very happy to mellow a bit with age. Hurry up, age.

3rd May 2011

I can’t help but wonder whether the fact that I’m not even on speaking terms with any girl I have ever dated says something profound/dire/profoundly dire about me as a person or is just a side effect of a disastrous relationship track record in general.

30th April 2011

I need to find an excuse to be out of town on Wednesday. I try not to bitch about this sort of thing too much anymore, but Wednesday will be a year since the last time I talked to my dad. That whole situation was (and is and always will be, I suppose) way, way, WAY more complicated than just about anyone knows and I’m really alright with it for the most part, but I need to be somewhere else so I don’t turn into a fucking trainwreck.

I don’t use this thing (thing=blog) much because, at this point, the only reason I blog at all is to break up the monotony of whatever bullshit tasks I do to simulate the sense of productivity that a job would ideally provide. I have a phone interview with a company in NYC on Monday afternoon. If they offer me the job, I’m taking it and packing my bags, regardless of the salary. I’ll shine shoes or or pour coffee or sleep with wealthy old women or whatever, but I know most of my current problems are the result of feeling stagnant and I’m about done with it. Whatev whatev. I’m going to smoke something and chill outside and listen to Miles Davis and write for a bit. 

27th March 2011

Why is she still threatening me? Dear god. I still haven’t done anything wrong. I just want to be left alone.

25th March 2011

Did… did you just use my toothbrush?