Tonight was a quiet night and no one was around, so I drove to my favorite running spot a few towns away. I put on a playlist and took off into the woods for a 10 mile run.
For a while, I was fine. I made small talk with a woman who was jogging about the likelihood of being attacked by a black bear (small, although there are bears in the area), I started to focus and I was headed for my zen happy place. Whatever anyone else finds in prayer or meditation, I find when I exercise. It’s my time to focus all of my attention on one thing so I don’t have to think about all of the other shit. Anyway.
As I came around a corner, I found myself running directly into a beautiful sunset. Rather than stop, I noted how pretty it was and pressed on.
And then something happened. I fucking lost it. Every memory from the last year - every goddamn one - was right there in front of me. From last May, when everything started to fall apart through last August when my dad died to a few days after - when I had to break up with someone I loved because they kept hurting me. Through autumn, dating someone who I later found out still had a boyfriend (this happened in the winter, too, and it was much worse then. Being used for sex is a weird feeling. But I digress.), trying to keep my family from falling apart, being unable to find a job, and feeling completely useless. Through all of it, I bit my lip and (with the exception of the occasional woe-is-me Tumblr post) told no one. I hadn’t cried in 2 years.
So I lost it. I sat there and cried. I don’t know how long I was there for - 5 minutes or 40 - neither would surprise me. When it was over, I didn’t feel any better. I don’t know if I felt much of anything. I finished the run, got in my car, and went home. I wish I could tie all this up in a neat little package by telling you how much better I feel now, but… I dunno. I just feel weird tonight and I’m looking forward to a drink.